I want nothing to do with your crazy world

the last trip of winter break was pretty stellar. Friendly's in Binghampton was far worse than sub-par, $15 i wish that i could have back. It was better than my brother ordering a cheese pizza and they forgot to put sauce on it though hehehe. The lehigh tunnel has inspired Paul and I too become professional tunnel hunters. 1st goal, is the 17 mile long tunnel bridge in virginia. Philly was no boston. One way streets got excessive as did the single lane roads and stop signs. oh and $17 parking, that was a naughty trick in itself. We wondered for about 3 or 4 hours before the show, saw a great homemade dog show in the washington cemetery park thing. i took pictures, most were crappy. We didnt get lost walking, finding bathrooms got to be a challenge, then finding them got to be regretful. i look fat. the aka's were no whole wheat bread, especially when they call me out in front of the whole show to say i look like someone that i do not really look like. sean penn or astin or hare would have been so much more appropriate. Big D was blehhh. better than last time, but 10 new songs was definetly not what i was looking for. They are still a good live band if you don't listen that carefully hehe, and the goofball acted like our friend still. who is that guyyyyy? saturday its back to vegas. actual classes this semester, actually having to do work and go to work and watch basketball games while enjoying sunlight and high temperatures, it will be awful. that is all, im wearing socks, and we missed the worlds largest general store, i almost regret that. but not as bad as the parking spot we got tricked into. thank you Victor for your not good times. Thank you Philadelphia for your excessive walking and lack of clean bathrooms, those you keep caged up real cool. signs to major tourist attractions would be cool too. Oh yeah and ironically we found a place in the city we had absolutely no clue were it was, no idea where we were or anything, in no time at all. But in little Framingham Mass. we can't find a tiny dinner after looking for an hour. sure the directions were terrible but weird, really weird. chances blown are now tied at 1 for the school year.

at 2 p.m. tomorrow, 2 hours before Ryan Hare will be officially drunk, an adventure begins. Jeffrey, Stephen, Ryan and myself with the traveling aids of William and Paul are going to Boston. We will be spending all day friday and saturday recording 4 songs at the Big D and the Kids Table rehearsal space with the goof ball bassist himself. I can not be more excited or nervous at the same time. Im stoked because the new song sounds pretty good in practice and i wanna hear it for real, and because we are finally doing something. Spending a little bit of money to become friends with a very good person to be friends with. i just want him to like us so bad. I wanna not play 5 shows in rochester over the summer, and have only our friends like us. I wanna drive places for shows and make fun of bill in more places while ending every night with scategories. I just want to play as many shows as possible and meet people and go places. I know we are not the coolest guys, definetly not very attractive, we are no Endive, don't have a good "genre", our songs are not catchy enough, our singer is not very good, we are kind of lame live, but i enjoy myself so much. I could not imagine life without practice or shows, and not writing shitty songs. I want people to like us, its unlikely but its worth trying. I want to finish school the just play music. That would be the best life imagineable. I go to sleep every night just wishing that the right person will hear us and be like shit thats not bad. But i won't ever stop trying. As hard as it is living across the country, and not being very creative or genious or anything, I'm gonna keep working on it. I will put more into this thing than anyone else because i wanna go somewhere. Maybe if i keep doing stuff like setting this up, everyone else will be as motivated. Who knows, but this weekend is going to be amazing. If i see a certain someone on good terms and no awkwardness beyond what i normally bring to the table it will be 500 times better. I just want to see that smile, even if its just as an old friend, making that smile is the most missed thing at Fredonia. Seriously, Im an asshole i know, but i miss that, a lot. Here's to bringing in the end of my 20th year of life with an amazing adventure.

this is for myself so i do not forget this story;
so i go to fiddler on the roof tonight, went alone knew someone there but sat alone because it was almost sold out. Kept to myself, responded to the girls next to me questions but really didn't pursue conversation with anyone. Show ends after 3 hours and i clap during curtain call but don't stand because i think its lame to give a standing ovation to everything, it was good so i clapped, just like girls next to me and guy kinda next to my left, no big deal lots of people don't stand. I go piddle then sit down to wait to go to talk backs so i can walk back with tbones alex and preview. This guy who sat to my left came up and said "can i ask you a question?" "Sure" i said figuring it would just be asking how i got so attractive. "why didn't you stand at the end to show some respect for the hard work those people did for you?" i say "well, i don't find it necessary to stand up after every show i see." He responds with asking where i'm from, the whole time getting really worked up and in my face. I say new york and he says, "well im from new york too, and i was in showbiz and when a show is over you stand and clap." i go "well i clapped, i thought that was enough." still getting worked up he responds with "these people worked hard on this show..." i cut him off saying "i worked on this show myself." he kinda does this shocked step back and goes "then you should understand yourself how disrespectful you were." i say "well i guess we just see things different then sir." He just says something else about how i was rude to my peers and i say "well i am deeply sorry to dissapoint you sir." he then stormed off and a guy sitting across the drinking fountain asked what his problem was and just laughed. oh the random little joys in life.

I'm so tired, but i know i'll got to sleep, then wake up at quarter to 8 with the first steps of mono, yet again. I can feel it, and its only gonna get worse before i get a chance to rest. Awesome, at least i was fine this weekend. It makes me question what the fuck i'm doing. It was so hard to get out of that car and go back to my new life essentially alone. I wish december 14th would just come tomorrow. I miss the cold, and the grass and leaves and change of weather, and the framiliar people i connect with so well, not the ones i see because it's all i could get. Big big plans, need to turn out how they are written instead of just big dreams like always. That would make break that much better. So would my family back. It did not feel right in that house, everywhere else was fine, the house didn't feel like a home, nowhere does right now. I wish i could have stayed in fredonia, well parts of it, or bring those parts here now. that would be cool. I'm glad i actually tried it out here, and that im gonna stick it out through the end of school, but its kinda not what i expected. 3 semesters to go, i reallllly hope. i just wanna finish school in general and work and move out and go sledding a lot. this sudden disapoinment comes a a direct result of knowing you ruined something. i think maybe this was a selfish move, i ruined something that i now see how i should have treated. I was wrong back when i had it, and then i walked away and now see what it really meant, and now will never get it back. i guess thats just life. it will work its self out, if i want it or not, and i'll deal, everyone does, its not so bad. Im in an "exciting" city getting an education in what i want to learn, while having a job and having the basic human needs, so it could be much worse. i just want to be happy like i was this weekend for more than just a weekend. i wanna find someone i have something in common with and that likes giraffes and cupcakes. i want to say a 5 letter name that starts with m and ends with y. and to play a show, and to get good grades and bowl more and not be so lazy. that isn't too much, all obtainable. i wanna just lay in the snow, or to not have to wear shorts everyyyyday. and i wanna rush the court tuesday. that will make it worth it, but i also want to be with my parents on thursday so they are not alone and neither am i. even though id just eat rolls, id rather do it there than in my room or at the bellagio with someone else's family. and i wanna go visit ryan and jizz at their house and someone to come see it here. i also wanna understand the concept of time. I relived parts of my life today. I got a second chance at 3 hours of my life. it just seems crazy to me that i lived 7-10 p.m. of november 18th 2007 twice. i didnt do anything spectacular except think about that. i should have done something legendary, but maybe someday ill remember that and have a way cooler story than a poorly structured thought.

all i was looking for was an aknowlegment of my existence. a glance a wave, anything. You should know by now that no matter what i say, im never gonna hold this against you and id give you 3,000 second chances, never would i not get over it. someday i hope you'll see there is nothing to get over just time. maybe im just confussed with what im looking for though. like grunkles.

everyone makes mistakes but i guess i did it this time on a far bigger level. i actually knew it would be like this, but i thought i wasn't alone, so thanks for that, i just need one, it can't be that hard right? i should prolly be more outgoing or something that im not

and i thought i knew what lonlieness is, maybe its first day jitters, maybe im not open minded, but maybe i just know myself well enough by now... and thats why im scared

- look whos perfect, maybe if i was gonna be at fredonia for more than 4 more weeks id point out how your statement is flawed in your favor but thats impossible right you have done everything you can, haha, like i said i miss high school

- so thanks to trying to hard in theatre i now have mono
- great time to miss a week of school
- I have 5 weeks left with these kids including exams, and now i instantly lose one
- I know a couple i will never lose touch with, but im worried of a few others
- Throughout my whole life I have never had a lot of friends just a bunch of amazing and close friends, through my band it defiently became a life long second family with ryan jeff and steve, and even bill, paul, colt, rob, dan and matt
- Now i have yet another family from friends consisting of the most obscure range of people
- I will really really miss it, well at times, there r definetly times where id die for something else
- But i think i would regret not going everyday for the rest of my life
- Im paying to get the best education i can get, not to socalize.
- I've lost that learning thing here, i need to go where the opprotunity is
- I need this job this summer
- If i can start doing what i plan to after college while only halfway through it, and stay home, i will be happy and able to figure out if this is something i really wanna do
- Sure Ill give up most of my free time, but not everyone gets shit handed to them
- I just can't wait to finish school right now, i defiently need a break but thank god this year flew by.
- Oh and 2 more names (1 i dont care about and was a while ago, the other isnt the same story...) to be added to the list of people who i become good friends with and then talking seizes completly after a short period of time, oh how i miss high school.

- i miss this time last year. I took for granted how nice it is to wake up and talk to your best friend, to go to bed talkign to your best friend. To have someone who will always go to eat with you, to have someone who likes all the same music, who likes the same sports who can talk sports with u, talk almost anything with you. I just don't have that connection anymore. Sure over the summer ill be surrounded by people who are just like me and i'll be so happy. I just can't do this anymore, it's so empty here. Yeah okay i got a great group of like 5 friends right now, and i'd be nothing without them, but it's not the same. I still am scared to take naps or be in my own room because of how awkward i feel, god i spent 6 grand a year to feel uncomfortable and like shit everyday. I miss having classes with my best friends, and eating lunch with them everyday. And going to jeffs every friday and saturday night. I miss the routines i had, now they r just what shitty meals i will eat everyday and when i'll go to bed. I miss not having anything in the world to worry about. Never having to spend money, never having to shave. Id give anythign to skip over these next few months and go straight to summer, nothing beats it. The sun and warmth makes everything seem not important. Just talking and playing baseball and driving with the windows down, nothing will beat it. I wanna play shows on the beach just to hang out with people and share the only gift i have in life. Im so scared about next year, i dont think my grades will be good if i stay here, my morale will be shit, in vegas i think id be much happier, but so far away from anything ive ever known. i think i need to take the chance though, i need to elarn a lot still and that experience will do it for me. i just need to write, and make stuff and express myself and make people happy. Weird cosidering how much of an asshole i am and how good i am at losing the best of friends. some of them i'll never lose, the ones that have seen me grow up and have always been there, the ones who r there now, ill be seeing them in 2 years. i don't know, i don't think i'm good enough for this world, not for anyone or anything in it. I'm too young and ignorant. I need to grow up and treat more people way better. I need to go back to work for laba, those were the best times of my life. i need to be happy and not scared of everythign around me, just live for myself. maybe

- finally
- after so long of putting my time and heart into supporting awful teams i get something
- even if we don't dance for long i still have the mwc
- it puts me in such a good mood
- 28-6
- thats all i have to say
- big d tonight, so so excited
- vegas next weekend, so excited but very scared
- the sun is shining, i love it